Secret Wish Jar

This week Gail McMeekin writes “By keeping our intuitive channels and our senses open to discovery, we can capture our unique inspirations” (page 22). It’s not always easy to keep my senses open. I live in a big city. Actually, a huge city of 11 million people. I happen to live in the business district, so I’m surrounded by tall office buildings and condominiums. There are next to no parks, only giant malls. I’m living in an urban jungle. Unconsciously I shut down my senses as much as possible, it’s so overwhelming: too many cars, too much noise, too many people, too much polution. Nature is normally a big source of inspiration for me and I find it hard to see beauty in surroundings like these.

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. ~ Henry David Thoreau

I love this quote. It inspired me to make a collage for this week, to remind myself that it’s not what I look at that matters, but what I see. Beautiful things are everywhere, you just have to be willing to see it. Picking up a silky white frangipane flower that has fallen off a tree on the side of the road and putting it in a glass of water on my table brings a little piece of nature into my apartment. The jeepneys on the street are noisy, but often they’re very colourful too, with intricate lettering and great art painted onto them. And even though the tall buildings prevent me from seeing the actual sunset, I do love the way the sun reflects in their many windows. This week I want to train myself to consciously look around and see beauty and inspiration in unexpected places. Instead of speedwalking on autopilot without seeing anything, I’m going to leave a few minutes earlier and take my time to look around, open for inspiration to come to me in whatever form.

Tags: 12 Secrets, The Next Chapter

Yesterday was my granpa’s birthday. Or it would have been. He died almost three years ago. It didn’t really matter, I wished him a happy birthday anyway. I imagined him sitting at his usual spot at the table, pretending to be slightly annoyed with the fuss of birthday wishes (and kisses!), but secretly enjoying it. In my mind we ate his favourite cake, the one he always wanted when there was something to celebrate. With whipped cream. Lots of whipped cream. My grandpa didn’t believe in diets. It showed, both on him and on his dog.

Can you still wish someone a happy birthday, even when they’ve passed away? I believe so. The love we felt for someone doesn’t all of a sudden disappear when they die. That bond is still there. Remembering their birthdays and celebrating it in some way is celebrating the lives they had and expressing gratitude that they were part of yours. The memories of my grandpa’s past birthdays and imagining how it was made me feel close to him, even though he’s no longer here.

Coming back from a diving day trip yesterday I couldn’t stop watching the full moon while my friend was driving. It was so beautiful and bright, illuminating the clouds that framed it.  It reminded me of all the times I sat in the back of my parents’ car, looking at the moon, convinced that the moon was moving with us, accompanying us on our journey. Twentyfive years later I still feel that way, that the moon is always there to light my way and to tell me that I’m not alone, that she’s watching over me. At a full moon anything is possible, it’s when the magic is at its strongest.

My dreamboard for this moon is all about my theme for 2009: Adventure. I figure a good start is a job half done already. I’m inviting adventure into my life, I want to explore and discover new treasures, whether they are new foods to taste, new friends to meet, new places to see, new activities to undertake, new books to read, new movies to see, new songs to dance to, new meditations to relax to, etc. I have taped it onto the giant mirror in my living room, so that it’s the last thing I see before I leave my apartment and the first thing when I come  in.

Tags: Dreamboard

Today is the start of a book blogging group that I’ve signed up for, hosted by the wonderful Jamie. The book we’ll all be reading and writing about in the next 12 weeks is The 12 Secrets Of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin. I was starting to fear I wouldn’t be able to participate, because all bookstores in the area told me the book was out of stock and could not be ordered. On the last day of 2008 I saw a bookstore I hadn’t been to before. I walked in, more out of habit than anything else, thinking “If I’m supposed to do this, they’ll have a copy”.  They did. I love it when the universe gives signs like this.

Secret 1: Acknowledging Your Creative Self

When I was younger, I considered myself to be a-creative. My friends were all so much better in drawing/singing/dancing/writing/acting, or at least that’s what I thought. I had a part in a school musical when I was 12 where I had to sing a few lines, but I backed out because my friends told me I couldn’t sing. Ouch. Whenever I felt the urge to do something creative after that, I suppressed it. No way was I going to give other people the chance to tell me how bad I was.

Traveling through India in 2004/2005 I met a photographer who told me about Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. It was a turning point. Being creative isn’t about being good or bad, it’s about playing, about having fun and enjoying the ride. Sometimes I forget this and I get caught in the “this isn’t any good, other people are so much better than I am”-trap, but it happens less and less. It’s taken a long time, but finally I’m learning to not only acknowledge my creativity, but to fully embrace, honour and celebrate it:

• taking part in this book blogging group
• dancing around the living room in my payamas
• doing The Artist’s Way with a circle of wonderful women
• putting wishes in my Wish Jar
• singing in the shower
• by diving, surrounding myself with all the underwater wonders and colours
• not just playing with my camera, but signing up for a Basic Photography course with a well-known photographer here (starting in February)
• treating myself as a Creative Goddess in the Creative Goddess Course with Goddess Leonie (starting next week)
• colouring my heart out with all the stuff I splurged on a few weeks ago
• making dream boards

Tags: 12 Secrets, The Next Chapter

Happy New Year everyone! May 2009 be filled with love, health, wisdom, blessings and rich encounters.

These holidays was the first time I was celebrating Christmas and New Year’s Eve all on my own. It was an interesting experience, not necessarily one I’d like to repeat, but I don’t regret it. It was my choice to move to the Philippines and leave all my friends and family behind and being alone over the holidays was a consequence of that decision. And despite many people feeling sorry for me, I didn’t feel sorry for myself. At all. I relished the opportunity to see how I’d deal with it, what I’d come up with. I had all the time in the world I wanted to read the books that were on my bedside table. I spend hours reflectin on and contemplating all the things that 2008 brought me, feeling so blessed and grateful. I envisioned what I want in 2009. I took a scuba diving course, which totally rocked.

When I booked my diving course a few weeks ago, I didn’t want to be alone all the time over the holidays. I wanted to see more of the Philippines, explore new places and meet new people. I didn’t know how amazing it would be, what a sense of freedom it would bring me to go down and be part of this whole new world underwater. It was such a fairytale to see the vibrant colours of the big starfish draped on the bottom of the sea. There were  clown fish like Nemo peeking out of their anemones and different school of fish navigating around each other like a fully choreographed ballet and so many exotic marine life I’d never seen before. Floating on my back and watching the air bubbles coming out of my regulator glimmer in the rays of sunlight that penetrated the water while dancing up to the surface gave me such joy.

(Pictures by my friend Sharon)

Back in Manila I couldn’t stop thinking about what an adventure and how much fun to explore and discover all the beauty and wonders. And I realised that it’s essential for me to explore and discover new treasures, because that’s when I feel most alive and happy and best. Last year for me was about Connections, not only with other people, but even more with myself and my soul. In order to feed and nurture that connection with my soul, this year will all be about Adventure, about exploring and discovering and stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things. They don’t all have to be big adventures, like diving, they can be small too. Like not always wearing my oh so comfy jeans. Trying new recipes. Saying ‘yes’ to invitations I would previously not have accepted, because I feel too shy. Looking for an elegant red dress with matching shoes to go out. Anything can be an adventure.

What’s your word for this year?

Last weekend was our company’s first Christmas trip. We all assembled in front of the office at 6 am on Saturday morning to go to Subic in two large buses. The journey took 4 hours, during which most of us tried to catch up on some sleep.

To be honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to this trip. I’d seen the program and there was a lot of teambuilding on it. I just wanted to relax really, not get tired running around. Well, how short sighted of me. We were divided into 4 teams, eacht with their own colour t-shirt, and what followed was an afternoon and evening full of fun, silly games, good naturedness and laugther. I’ve never seen more than 100 adults running around on the beach in a game of Dragon Tails or trying to find their teammates while they were blindfolded while making animal sounds. It sounds stupid and lame, but I laughed so much my belly hurt and I almost wet my pants. It was like we were all kids again, playing around and enjoying ourselves.

After the frolicking there was time for relaxing and swimming and kayakking and doing whatever you wanted. It was just so beautiful, the colours were so vibrant, the mangoes were so sweet and juicy and the sky was so blue. It was an exhausting weekend, but oh so much fun. I can’t remember the last time I went swimming at 3 am, but I’m planning to do it more often…

With all the beauty, the lovely people, the silly games, the fun and laughter, the patchwork of colours that surrounded us and the bit of time I spent alone with my camera this was a delicious break, soul nourishing and rejuvenating.

After the breakthrough I experienced a few days ago, I was a little afraid to try again. What if it didn’t work? What if I’d made it all up, it was all in my head? I went to sleep very late, just like the night before, so I would be tired again in the morning. Starting my MP’s I asked for a sign during the day, something that would prove to me this was real, that I wasn’t making it up. I felt a bit embarrassed asking for a sign, it’s so cliche. Why did I need a sign? Why did I start doubting it was real all of a sudden? I felt that presence taking over my pen again, guiding me. I was reading what my hand wrote down. I read that it was ok to ask for a sign, that it was human nature to want to see proof of things. If I wanted a sign, I would get a sign.

My working day didn’t start too great. Actually, most of it wasn’t great. After 2 nights of only a few hours of sleep I was tired and there was just so much to do, so many problems to take care of. Until I was talking to someone whom I admire and greatly respect professionally. I was telling him about some of the plans and ideas that I have to hear his thoughts about them. He liked what I was saying. In fact, he proposed I write them down in a business plan and present them to the big guys in our company. And then he offered to be my mentor! My jaw literally dropped. I’d been asking for guidance and help to find the path to do my job as good as I can and poof, two days later I have a mentor. If that isn’t a sign…

While writing my MP’s yesterday I finally admitted to myself that I’m very excited about my new role here in Manila, but also scared  to death. My tasks are becoming more and more clear and it’s all completely new to me. I’m not sure where to begin, where to look for information or even what kind of information exactly, what I should pay attention to., etc.I need to train my team, hire more people and study for an exam at the same time. It’s like I’m at the foot of Mount Everest looking up, knowing I have to get to the top, but without actually seeing the path and that fear paralyses me. I know that I only need to find the beginning of the path and I can continue from there, one step at a time. I need to find the beginning of that path! If only someone could help me, show me, guide me to where I should start…

I only had about 4 hours of sleep last night. Normally I go to bed quite early, I like my sleep. For some reason I kept putting off going to bed, because I really needed to do some handwash laundry and I really needed to read the Filippino Cosmo and I really wanted to see some show on tv. This morning when I woke up I was tired and my eyes looked all red and puffy. I started my MP’s by asking myself why I stayed up so late and telling myself off for not going to sleep earlier. I went on about feeling nervous for work and that being tired wouldn’t help. And then all the answers to my questions the day before were being answered. I wrote down exactly where to start, where to look, what to look for and how to organise the information. I wasn’t making it up, I was just getting it down on paper, as Julia described it. Not once did I think about what to write next, my pen just kept going and going, not pausing for a second. After the work related stuff, it went on to personal things.

I was flabbergasted. There I was, propped up against my pillows, writing down what were not my own thoughts. This was the very first time I experienced what Julia described in TAW, to just show up at the page, ask a question and listen for the answer. I’d had glimpes of it before, flashes of insight that are gone before you realise what it was telling you, but you feel it was significant, that there is something or someone that does have all the answers. I’d never experienced anything like this before.

I held the pen, but it wasn’t me writing. It wasn’t me saying the reason I stayed up so late yesterday, because feeling tired would help me switch off my brain and be open for the answers to the questions I’d asked previously. “Just write, don’t think”. That’s what I did this morning and I’ll be trying it again tomorrow.

This is my biggest breakthrough so far in the process of doing TAW. I’m truly grateful that I got to experience it. Without the support of the amazing women that I share this journey with, I wouldn’t have made it this far, thank you all. Your encouraging words and kindness and just knowing that we’re in this together have helped me so much. I feel connected to each and every one of you and I am honoured that life brought us together.

The thing about moving to another country is that the amount of luggage you can bring on the plane is limited. I only packed what I thought was essential plus a few things to help me feel at home as quickly as possible. Even so, I had 6  kilos overweight on my checked in luggage and I didn’t even weigh my handluggage, which was definitely more than 10 kilos. There was no way I could have brought my creativity supplies with me.

So far whenever I felt the urge to create something, I reached for my new camera. Yesterday that wasn’t enough. I felt like treating myself, and treating myself I did. Watercolour pencils, wax crayons, felt pens, coloured ink cartridges for my fountain pen (I did my MP’s in red this morning!), a few girly books, textile paint, some brushes, plain index cards in 2 sizes and a stash of Filippino magazines. It was exciting picking out the magazines, as they were all packed in plastic, so I literally had to judge them by their covers.

Unpacking everything at home I felt like I’d gone a little overboard. I wondered if I needed all this stuff. I don’t draw or paint, so why did I get the watercolour pencils and the crayons and the felt pens and the textile paint? Why did I not just choose one of them instead of buying them all? I looked at the receipts for the returning goods policy. It stated they only take back goods if they’re damaged. My purchases weren’t damaged, so I couldn’t return them. I had them, so I’d better use them, right?

In the beginning I didn’t know what to do, how to use the materials. I was getting discouraged, because it all looked horrible. Until I realised the whole point of me buying kids’ stuff was having fun like kids do! So I made a mess. My whole table was covered with crayons and cups of water and coloured paper. I was colouring and painting and I didn’t care what it looked like. It was an afternoon full of playing, enjoying, relaxing and connecting.

We did get on that last flight from Hong Kong to Manila last Friday. We didn’t have a minute to spare, but we made it. This episode turned out to be the start of a weekend where everything that could go wrong actually did go wrong..

Starting with the taxi driver in Manila who had no idea whatsoever where our apartment was and in after half an hour of aimlessly driving around suggested we’d take another taxi. We got home around 1 am, where I unpacked the suitcase I’d packed for Hong Kong and packed it again to go to the beach in Cebu. At 7 am we left again for the airport, travelling with only hand luggage. I’ve travelled happily all over the world with this suitcase as my handluggage, but Cebu Pacific made me check it in, because it was too big. In Cebu we took a taxi to the port of Hagnaya, where we’d take the ferry to Santa Fe, Bantayan Island. Arriving an hour before the ferry was scheduled, we were told it was actually cancelled. The next and last ferry would leave in 3 hours. We called the hotel where we’d reserved rooms to tell them we’d arrive a bit later than planned, only to be told that they’d given our rooms away. They’d try to get us rooms at other resorts. When we finally did arrive, the rooms they’d booked for us turned out to be more than double the price than the rooms we’d originally booked. Staying calm and with a big fake smile on my face (by that time I’d be on the road for more than 30 hours already, sleeping just 4 hours) I managed to secure 2 rooms in the resort next door for the same price. All we wanted was some food and a bed!

Waking up the next day revealed the beauty of Bantayan Island. Wow, it really was like a postcard! Sipping fresh coconut water on the beach, swimming in the coral blue sea, looking for shells on the beach, the cool breeze in the evening, the bright starlit sky, it was amazing. Even the fact that I was red all over within no time and looked really goofy with my straw hat couldn’t spoil the joy I felt. We had a lovely day full of relaxing.

We left a bit earlier than planned the next morning, in case another ferry was cancelled. We’d arranged for the same taxi driver to pick us up in Hagnaya and drive us back to the airport. We had a few hours to spare in the afternoon and decided to go shopping. The driver dropped us at a mall and agreed to be back 1,5 hours later. As soon as he drove away, my travel companions realised they’d left their bag on the back seat. In it were their passports, their credit card, their mobile phone and their brandnew digital camera. Very close to panicking, we tried to ban all worst case scenarious from our minds and stay positive, the taxi driver had seemed like a kind, reliable man. Unfortunately the card with his mobile number on it was also in the bag, so we couldn’t call him. We tried calling my friend’s mobile phone in the hope the driver would pick it up. After countless times he did. He promised to head straight back to the mall to deliver the bag. A very long 15 minutes later, the crisis had passed.

At the airport we didn’t have to check in our handluggage this time, although when boarding the plane, my friend wasn’t allowed to bring his suitcase into the cabin, it had to be checked in again. At least this time he didn’t have to pay for it. Ah yes, and the plane was delayed, so we didn’t arrive back in Manila until after midnight. But we made it. And it was an adventure. I loved it.

Yes, a lot of things did go wrong, but so what? In the end we had a great trip. Would we have done it if we’d have known beforehand it would take us a day to get to our destination and a day to get back to spend just 1 day at the beach? Probably not, I suppose we’d have looked for something a bit nearer. Travelling in Asia often means expecting the unexpected and journeys almost always take longer than you think. Travelling isn’t just about the destination, the journey to get there can be just as interesting. Although I have to say in this case, the destination was simply stunning.