Secret Wish Jar

I cannot believe it’s been such a long time since I posted anything here. My life’s been really busy lately. I never knew my 30th birthday would be such a turning point, but it seems that things are turning in all directions. So many things to contemplate, so many things to write about, I sometimes feared my mind would explode with all the thoughts that were whirling around. I didn’t feel like blogging or anything that involved the internet for that matter at all. I wanted to create and feel connected to myself, to something higher and more spiritual. So I knitted. I photographed. I made a wish jar. Not for myself , but for a dear friend. I wasn’t ready yet to make my own. Now I am. I’m in the right mood for it, the right state of mind. I’m ready to invite more magic into my life. After all, this blog is called ‘Secret Wish Jar’, so it’s about time too I create one. When it’s finished, I’ll post it here.

As for Project 361, I’m posting just some hightlights of weeks 12-18 now and from next week on will post them dutifully every week again. Move over the picture to see the title.

My new friend Cassandra over at Gee How Quaint posed a question that I’ve been asking myself a lot lately as well: where does the need to create come from? In an era where almost anything can be made for us by machines, why do we take the time and make the effort to do it ourselves? Or maybe I should say, why do we insist on creating things ourselves?

Creating is a way of expressing oneself, of showing one’s true colours to the world. Ever since I learned how to write, I’ve been writing: in my diary, short stories, poems and long letters to friends. Writing I always found the words I couldn’t find when I talked. When my pen moved over the paper, the words would come automatically  Language was my friend, my lover even. It never let me down.

Until I moved to Dublin. In the 18 months I’ve been living here, I’ve lost my connection with words. Speaking, hearing, writing and reading English almost 24/7 has estranged me from the subtleties of my own language; more and more often the Dutch words I’m looking for just won’t come to mind. And as English is not my mother tongue, though my knowledge and vocabulary are more than sufficient for my daily life, I’m not fluent enough to express nuances the way I used to be able to in Dutch. So I wrote less and less. For the first time in my life, language wouldn’t suffice to express myself. In a way, I’m happy I was ‘forced’ to try other forms of expression, because I’ve found new things I enjoy. I know I can go to the nearest shop and buy postcards or a scarf, but these days I prefer to make them myself. Creating things is about authenticity, about being true to your own spirit. When you make things you infuse them with something of yourself, of your personality, something that machines can’t do.

This is my story, feel free to share your own reasons to create!

I don’t normally consider my birthday a special day, not since I was a kid, when I’d wake up and my chair was decorated with balloons and garlands. My 30th birthday was a very special day. Not because I was turning 30, but because it was the first time I didn’t think of it as the day where I’m all of a sudden a year older than I was yesterday. Instead it was the day I was born and that I came into this world. It filled me with a sense of celebration and gratitude. What a beautiful gift it was.

My parents came over from the Netherlands for my birthday, how sweet is that! Sharing the above thoughts and feelings with them, my mom told me how I’d turned blue and purple right after I was born and how for a few very long minutes they weren’t sure if I would make it. She felt  that  at that moment I had to choose between going back to wherever it is souls come from or staying here. I chose life.  I’m happy I decided to stay, hearing this story filled me with even more gratitude and an even bigger sense of celebration: my birthday is not only the day I was born, it was the day I decided to live.

In the evening, before I went to sleep, I drew an Angel Card and a Spiritual Insight Card* for my new year. A perfect end of a perfect birthday.

 * Translation of the Dutch card: "Your longest journey will lead you to that what is closest to you: you’re on your way from being alone to being all-one."

When I was a teenager, thirty sounded terribly old. Well, not terribly old, like 87,  but I remember thinking that when you’re thirty, you’ll have everything figured out and life does not hold any secrets for you anymore. That you’ll be all grown up and wise and serene and compassionate and that you’ll always know what to do, no matter what happens. That you know where you’re going in life, because that’s exactly where you want to go.

In a few days time I’m turning thirty. I highly doubt that I’ll wake up and magically have everything figured out. I’ve come to realise that life is one big mystery that will never reveal all its secrets and come to think of it, I’m happy it is the way it is. I won’t all of a sudden be the enlightened being I sometimes long to be and only feel tranquility and compassion, just because I’m thirty. Of course not.

Luckily I’m not one of those people for whom turning thirty causes an early midlife crisis. I have no problem with the fact that I’m leaving my twenties behind. Not that I didn’t like them, I did. I had a great time at uni. I traveled. I made some of my dreams come true. It’s just that I feel more grounded now than when I was younger. More connected to who I am. And I’m convinced that feeling grounded and connected is something that will even increase as I grow older. Often when the soul wishes to express itself, the ego gets in the way. Letting go of ego driven desires and listen more intently to my soul gives me a sense of confidence and calmness. My twenties were about finding my place in the world. Let my thirties be about finding my place within myself.

First of all: Happy Easter to all of you!

Here’s another week in pictures for Project 361 (see Jamie’s post). To see the title, simply hover over the image.

Needless to say maybe, but my blog has a new look. It has had a new facefor a few days already, but since I always need a few days to decide if I really like it, I didn’t mention it before. But as it turns out, I’m very happy with it. So here it is, the new and improved Secret Wish Jar! Feel free to tell me what you think of it, whether you like it or not (but of course I hope you’ll like it just as much as I do!).

Before

After

I’m feeling restless. Maybe it’s because spring seems to be coming, but then withdraws again, leaving everything bleak and grey. I’m ready for spring, I’m waiting to welcome the new blossoms and sprouts, the fresh green leaves and the awakening of nature. But nature doesn’t want to wake up yet, or so it seems.

A few weeks ago I started a meditation course. It helps me still my mind and really look within, to truly connect with myself. The restless feeling I’m experiencing is a paradox to the tranquility I experience when meditating. I’m not sure what it is, where it comes from or what I should do with it. It’s strange, but now that I reserve time for myself everyday to meditate, I feel like I have less time for myself than when I didn’t. I don’t have time to knit, blog, write, take photo’s or do anything to express myself creatively at the moment. I know this isn’t true, because meditation course is only 2 nights a week, so there’s 5 nights left to do whatever I want. I feel like a headless chicken running around and bumping into walls. I start one thing, but before I finish it, I abandon it for something else, which in turn I don’t finish either. I have so many ideas of how I want things to look, to be or to feel, but as soon as I start working on them, I change my mind at least a hundred times.

Last Friday I was promoted, totally unexpected. This week already I will make a start in my new position and I’m very excited about it. Things are changing and shifting, I can feel it. Maybe that’s where the restless feeling is coming from. I try not to let it bother me and view it as something positive. After all, spring is coming any time now and who knows what it will bring…

PS. In honour of spring, I’ve decided to give my blog a new face as well. I haven’t found the right look yet, so chances are you’ll see a few different ones during the next weeks…