Secret Wish Jar

I don’t normally consider my birthday a special day, not since I was a kid, when I’d wake up and my chair was decorated with balloons and garlands. My 30th birthday was a very special day. Not because I was turning 30, but because it was the first time I didn’t think of it as the day where I’m all of a sudden a year older than I was yesterday. Instead it was the day I was born and that I came into this world. It filled me with a sense of celebration and gratitude. What a beautiful gift it was.

My parents came over from the Netherlands for my birthday, how sweet is that! Sharing the above thoughts and feelings with them, my mom told me how I’d turned blue and purple right after I was born and how for a few very long minutes they weren’t sure if I would make it. She felt  that  at that moment I had to choose between going back to wherever it is souls come from or staying here. I chose life.  I’m happy I decided to stay, hearing this story filled me with even more gratitude and an even bigger sense of celebration: my birthday is not only the day I was born, it was the day I decided to live.

In the evening, before I went to sleep, I drew an Angel Card and a Spiritual Insight Card* for my new year. A perfect end of a perfect birthday.

 * Translation of the Dutch card: "Your longest journey will lead you to that what is closest to you: you’re on your way from being alone to being all-one."

When I was a teenager, thirty sounded terribly old. Well, not terribly old, like 87,  but I remember thinking that when you’re thirty, you’ll have everything figured out and life does not hold any secrets for you anymore. That you’ll be all grown up and wise and serene and compassionate and that you’ll always know what to do, no matter what happens. That you know where you’re going in life, because that’s exactly where you want to go.

In a few days time I’m turning thirty. I highly doubt that I’ll wake up and magically have everything figured out. I’ve come to realise that life is one big mystery that will never reveal all its secrets and come to think of it, I’m happy it is the way it is. I won’t all of a sudden be the enlightened being I sometimes long to be and only feel tranquility and compassion, just because I’m thirty. Of course not.

Luckily I’m not one of those people for whom turning thirty causes an early midlife crisis. I have no problem with the fact that I’m leaving my twenties behind. Not that I didn’t like them, I did. I had a great time at uni. I traveled. I made some of my dreams come true. It’s just that I feel more grounded now than when I was younger. More connected to who I am. And I’m convinced that feeling grounded and connected is something that will even increase as I grow older. Often when the soul wishes to express itself, the ego gets in the way. Letting go of ego driven desires and listen more intently to my soul gives me a sense of confidence and calmness. My twenties were about finding my place in the world. Let my thirties be about finding my place within myself.

First of all: Happy Easter to all of you!

Here’s another week in pictures for Project 361 (see Jamie’s post). To see the title, simply hover over the image.

Needless to say maybe, but my blog has a new look. It has had a new facefor a few days already, but since I always need a few days to decide if I really like it, I didn’t mention it before. But as it turns out, I’m very happy with it. So here it is, the new and improved Secret Wish Jar! Feel free to tell me what you think of it, whether you like it or not (but of course I hope you’ll like it just as much as I do!).

Before

After

I’m feeling restless. Maybe it’s because spring seems to be coming, but then withdraws again, leaving everything bleak and grey. I’m ready for spring, I’m waiting to welcome the new blossoms and sprouts, the fresh green leaves and the awakening of nature. But nature doesn’t want to wake up yet, or so it seems.

A few weeks ago I started a meditation course. It helps me still my mind and really look within, to truly connect with myself. The restless feeling I’m experiencing is a paradox to the tranquility I experience when meditating. I’m not sure what it is, where it comes from or what I should do with it. It’s strange, but now that I reserve time for myself everyday to meditate, I feel like I have less time for myself than when I didn’t. I don’t have time to knit, blog, write, take photo’s or do anything to express myself creatively at the moment. I know this isn’t true, because meditation course is only 2 nights a week, so there’s 5 nights left to do whatever I want. I feel like a headless chicken running around and bumping into walls. I start one thing, but before I finish it, I abandon it for something else, which in turn I don’t finish either. I have so many ideas of how I want things to look, to be or to feel, but as soon as I start working on them, I change my mind at least a hundred times.

Last Friday I was promoted, totally unexpected. This week already I will make a start in my new position and I’m very excited about it. Things are changing and shifting, I can feel it. Maybe that’s where the restless feeling is coming from. I try not to let it bother me and view it as something positive. After all, spring is coming any time now and who knows what it will bring…

PS. In honour of spring, I’ve decided to give my blog a new face as well. I haven’t found the right look yet, so chances are you’ll see a few different ones during the next weeks…

My past week in pictures for Project 361. Move over the images to see the title..

Project 361 is taking a daily picture to catch my life in images instead of words. Move your mouse over the photo to know what it is about.